I want to believe that this is all part of the journey.

I want to never lose faith in ‘perfect timing’ or in ‘good things come to those who wait’.

I want to put all my trust to the universe that after all these pain of waiting and twinge of guilt, things will fall into place.

And I will continue to believe, life. I promise.

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No, this is not about you being purely dumb. 

This is probably just about you not knowing what your strengths are or where to draw courage from.

This is not about failures after failures.

This is about trying tirelessly.

This is not about bad decisions and misfortunes.

This is about you accepting whatever may come and still believing that life is beautiful.

So now, pat your shoulder. And thank yourself for taking steps forward.

When Mama got sick, we knew our lives would change. We knew life would be much, much harder. We could already see the struggles even before we faced them– financial setbacks, anxieties, physical and emotional stress, etc. We were not prepared, but we were eager to fight. That’s what we have always been…fighters.

I wanted to maintain the positivity around us. ‘If you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.’ I thought that maybe, this is life telling us to be stronger than ever. I thought this is just another challenge we’ll successfully get through. I thought this is but another binding moment, a glue or a string to keep us together.

But I guess I relied too much on these silver linings. I just realized that we’re actually walking on different paths, that we opted to live our own lives. The universe has thrown us into our individual battlefields and gave us too little chances to escape. We are still fighters, just fighting separately. Life, unfortunately, has made us grow apart.

All I have now are fervent prayers, not mere silver linings. I pray that no matter where we are right now, we are all gonna find our way to the center, to our very foundation. I pray that we are all going to remember that we have each other to hold on to, that we just have to keep holding. I pray that we will have the strength to carry on, because we deserve a good life. I pray that we will all believe that we can win this, together.

P.S.  I love you all very much.

 

I woke up with a happy heart this morning. And I was determined to spend the whole day with a positive soul. But a friend, whom I have not seen for more than three months, made a surprise visit and greeted me “Hello. Why are you sad?”

Four hours on and I am still bemused.

Dear Big Dream,

Oh, how big you are! Too huge, probably even weird, but maybe not too impossible. I have been thinking about you almost every hour for over a week now. I didn’t know what came into me that I suddenly felt excited about me achieving you someday. You are scary and overwhelming that I ended up crying several times just by thinking about the possibilities. You are just truly, truly grand.

Please give me one year to take a step towards you. I have nothing in me right now – confidence, creative inspiration, time (excuses, excuses but…) I need to grow more and be better. I still need to learn so many things to be able to call myself worthy of trying to reach you. Because you see, Big Dream, I love and respect you with all my heart (and I did not even think loving a dream this much is possible). I am not expecting the road towards you would be smooth and trouble-free. I am not even expecting too much to literally and completely get you. But here’s a promise: I will try.

“Our truest, deepest self is completely free. It is not crippled or compromised by past actions or concerned with identity of status. It comprehends that it has no need to fear the earthly world, and therefore, it has no need to build itself through fame or wealth or conquest.”

– Proof of Heaven